Lur

Last night, The Boy and I were talking about...well, the import of humanity during which time I found myself arguing that ultimately humanity would be spared a lot of pain if they simply didn't exist. How nihilistic. Anyway, the ultimate conclusion I took away from the conversation is that I am very and depressingly powerless.

I suppose it is rather arrogant to consider my opinions worth listening to more so than anyone else's, or to consider my wisdom and experiences, my idea of justice, my feelings, of more import than other people's. And in a way, I don't. Yet I would like to feel I have power in my life, to change things that are wrong; to influence the world; just not to feel like I'm an insignificant minor in a world of billions who will die and be missed by perhaps 5, 6 people who will in turn die and so I shall be gone. Not that I even, I admit, want to be remembered. I just want to feel I was able to DO something; that I was worthwhile.

I do cry when I watch things like Doctor Who - even though the Doctor clearly doesn't exist, I watch an actor portraying someone who has the power to turn back armies and of course I'm upset, because I *can't*. And I probably never will. I'm not special, I'm not unique and I'm not important. Don't tell me that's not the way to think; it's perfectly true. Tell me in what sphere it could be otherwise.

And I think, yes, but to make up for the people who ARE powerful and important there has to be many, MANY insignificant people. Then why do I hope for more? I have a happy life; I have the dearest love of my life, good friends, health, enough money, hobbies I enjoy...why do I feel like there's something just out of my reach which would satisfy me being myself?

I don't dislike myself, per se. I just don't think much of myself, as a person. Not what I have, who's in my life (who are perfect) but who I as a person, am. The average person has no chance for power (an ugly word; let's say...influence? Worth? Potentiality?), which is, bluntly, what I am.