Lur

There are times when I do like my job. The times when, like now, for example, there's a whole lot of free food about the place. I almost wish I hadn't bought pasta; I could have made a total meal of the samosas and bhajis floating around the place.

I do, having worked here, now realise I didn't take full advantage of being 'young', of sixth form. I could have started doing wonderful things that I was too shy, ignorent or lazy to do back then. Maybe my 6th form wasn't as kind with the after-college activities but still, I do wish I'd done something. I hung around with my friends and walked to town and didn't really do much with my time at all when I could have been joining clubs and edifying the world or something. Ho hum. No use chewing over it now but still.

Yeah, I used to be a much shyer person. Odd. My sixteen year old self probably wouldn't recognise my twenty six year old self. In fact, really, my thirteen year old self wouldn't recognise EITHER of my older selves. Now that's strange. I've grown SO much out of my shell, which is good (in some ways, my fourteen year old self wrote MUCH more creative things). Just strange to think of.

I wish I'd been confident enough to do things like go clubbing when I was younger (not that there was much chance where I lived, but still) but then I think, maybe it would have hardened me; that I wouldn't have some sense of wistfulness that I still cherish in myself these days. Maybe I'd have become more worldly and I didn't want that (even though I fear, being stuck in the City for probably -ever, will do that for me). But these days I kind of want to go clubbing and really, I'm too old to.

What I REALLY wish I'd done more of, even at uni when I WAS doing things, was performing. There is NOTHING on this green (and blue) earth to compare to singing on stage. NOTHING. The sheer joy and freedom of it is the single BEST feeling. It's the best high you could ever, ever have. Plus I enjoyed using my talent to entertain - and yes, I was good. I was VERY good. And I miss it so, so much. Even more than karate in some ways, which I in all honest didn't have the natural talent for that I had for performing. I wasn't bad, but I certainly wasn't good. I loved it and the adrenalin but I didn't have the FLAIR.

I don't know how I'd go about being on stage again, anyway. I would like to try at karate again one day although the trouble with finding a decent club is a pain in the nethers (plus, I won't deny, I'd find it very intimidating to walk into a group of mostly boys I didn't know as a brown belt and demand I start training with the upper-end of the group).

Well, heh. I mean, I have Guides so I'm doing something useful with my spare time. I just feel...I could have been, DONE, SO MUCH MORE. ANd I haven't a clue how I could do it now without the help and safety net of an educational institution.