Lur

It is mildly annoying that the best piece of writing I have ever produced, is a fanfic.

I haven't felt I've had a lot to say of late; I can't be original; I can't...create. This would be depressing but for the fact I know I'm pumping all my energy into job sites which, although fruitless, is where my effort is going and therefore I don't have the energy to be creative at the end of it all. But hanging out with Very Famous Arty People recently has rather brought it home to me how little I do anything creative any more. I don't draw, I rarely write anything of any note and more to the point, any LENGTH, I don't sing, I haven't produced anything in a long time. Which, as I said, to some degree is OK since I've been studying and now I'm job hunting, but...

Someone just called me a 'Receptionist'. I have to get another job before I lose all sense of self respect. Every day that passes I get more arrogant and more rude in order to prove I'm a worthwhile and important person and not a failure. While some aspects of life have been difficult for me, have scarred me, others have been AMAZINGLY easy and one of those was the certain knowledge that I was Somebody, that I would be A Success and Worthy and so on and so on. I really was quite naive, and I wasn't prepared for...well, the issues that recession brings. No matter how talented, bright or well bred someone is, it doesn't matter a jot if they are against OTHER people who are bright, talented and have better work experience or were better on the day.

Things that in your pre-independant life are terribly important, in the harsh light of adult day, don't mean a thing. Life has been topsy-turvey for me throughout, really: I've been privilaged, I've been poor. I've been happy, depressed, bored, on top of the world, and really I've been very, very lucky in that I have an amazing man who I love more than anything and when push comes to shove, I value more than anything in this world (well, equal with my parents). And I have activities I enjoy - Rainbows makes me happy without fail each week. But the things that bring me down, when I'm alone and vulnerable to such worldly nonsense, the things that fill most of my day, still hurt. And I'm vain and old-school and bluntly, arrogant, enough to mind when someone doesn't know what I've done, who I am, that I'm USEFUL to society, not a freeloader or a waster. I know it's ugly of me and I shouldn't let it get to me and a lot of the time, I don't. It's just little things like that, and like all the Assistant Principal candidates thinking they're all that when they come up to my desk...peh. We're *equal*, you jumped up johnny-come-lately. In fact I'm probably better qualified than you are. So there.

Yes, I am aware I am annoyed by arrogance, which is why I'm writing this, to express and accept. To move over something is first to acknowledge it. So: I'm arrogant. But I am also a worthwhile person (really, who isn't? I don't blame ANYONE for wanting to achieve the highest they can). If I was content with what I spend my days doing, I KNOW I would be a much nicer person for it, because I would have no need to prove myself to anyone. Consider my old jobs in Social Services, specifically the Children with Disabilities team. It wasn't a grand job, it wasn't even that different from my afternoons here, but I was happy, because I was working hard, doing specialist things and helping people. I had a place, I was respected and people liked me and liked what I did for them, and they took the time to tell me so, that I was useful and important to them. I was content with the way I spent my day and then I could go home and enjoy other things without knowing I'd be going somewhere horrible the next day.

On the other hand, I'm rapidly losing motivation to job hunt because it's so damnably time consuming and demoralising.

Well, huh. I should count my blessings - and they are many, and important, very important, and I wouldn't give them up for anything, even if I had to stay here forever. I don't want to, though. I just really hate my job.